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finally, late one night, i let it all out. my husband prayed over me, my in laws called me on the phone, read a ton of the Word to me and prayed with us right then. i was a bawling mess. they all recommended i try to eat. my husband was making me a sandwich and i was in bed holding my 18 day old little girl. i took a deep breath and looked down at her, expecting to have this wave of fear and anxiety, but instead i fell head over heels in love with her. she was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. ever. and...she smiled. 18 days old - and she smiled. im convinced to this day that was the Lord. totally smiling through her and comforting me, showing me the beauty of life.
i know a lot of my struggle then was due to not having dealt with my abortions. and God revealed that night the little baby i was holding was His gift to me...now LOVE her!
i'll never forget that moment!